Celebrating Mother’s Day in a separated family

Mother’s Day is just around the corner, and as everyone prepares to celebrate the special mother figure in their lives, we recognize that Mother’s Day can be the cause of heightened emotions, frustration, and disappointment for separated families. In today’s article, Catherine Parks offers some helpful suggestions on how to make the best of your situation, and how to plan for Mother’s Day in your family.

Mother’s Day is a relatively new celebration, started by women in the US as part of peace and anti-war campaigns. It became an official US Holiday in 1914 following a declaration by President Woodrow Wilson that the 2nd Sunday in May be celebrated as a national holiday. The day became increasingly recognised, celebrated and commercialised in Australia through the 1920’s. It is a day in which children across the country present mothers (or those with a mothering role in their lives) with weird and wonderful soaps, candles and “I love my Mum” mints and chocolates  purchased from Mother’s Day stalls, where mums are served burnt toast and lukewarm tea in bed and when (for just a tiny moment) we all take time to recognise the exceptional role that mothers play in our lives.

It is important to acknowledge that after separation things change and special occasions like Mother’s Day can be celebrated not only differently but can also be at times challenging. For some separated mums the difference is in not having your ex-partner on hand to take over the cooking and cleaning for the day. For others there may be frustrations or disappointment in not being able to travel to see your own mother because it conflicts with care arrangements for the children. For others still it may be the case that they cannot be with their children on Mother’s Day or that Mother’s Day is filled with melancholy about the changing family structure.

Mother’s Day is, at its heart, an opportunity for children to celebrate their mums. Both parents should remember this, set aside their differences and anger, and make sure that their children are given the opportunity and space to participate in the celebration. Ideally that means that regardless of other care arrangements for the children, all efforts should be made to permit children to spend significant time with their mothers on Mother’s Day. This is important because although it is always nice for mums to be with their kids on Mother’s Day, the true benefit is to the children who will have spoken about and prepared for Mother’s Day at school and will recount their Mother Day activities with their friends on their return to the classroom. It has become an important event for children.

There are of course reasons why children cannot see their mothers face to face on Mother’s Day (some valid and some less so) and if this is the case for your family you should consider the following:

1.     There is no real magic in the second Sunday in May having been declared as Mother’s Day. Woodrow Wilson may just have easily chosen the third Sunday in July to be the date. If your children cannot be with you on Mother’s Day, mark out an alternate special date to do all the things you would ordinarily do together on Mother’s Day such as giving gifts, breakfast in bed, lunch with grandma etc., and lean into the uniqueness of your own special celebration day;

2.     Arrange video calls on the day so that the children can acknowledge their mum and wish her a happy Mother’s Day. Even if you feel frustrated or disappointed that your children are not with you, put on your best “game face” and be positive. Children respond to your energy and they will be better able to manage their disappointment if they don’t feel concerned about how you are coping without them;

3.     If you are not spending Mother’s Day with your children and this is a consequence of an argument with your ex-partner, don’t let the children know this. It will not assist in managing the children’s disappointment by explaining that it is the other parent’s fault. Stay focused on how you will celebrate when you do see them next. Be positive about whatever they happen to be spending Mother’s Day doing;

4.     Know that it is just one day in one particular year. Think about what can be done to make sure that you and your children get to spend Mother’s Day together next year and into the future. You might consider:

 a.     Ensuring that Father’s Day is a positive experience and encourage reciprocal arrangements with the other parent. Payback is rarely an effective strategy when it involves your children;

b.     Starting conversations early about care arrangements for children on special occasions so that everyone has time to consider what is best for the children;

c.      Thinking through other special occasions and how these will be shared;

d.     Thinking about how to communicate better around special days so that children don’t miss out. This might be with the assistance of a mediator or a parenting coach if you need an additional hand.

Whether you celebrate on the second Sunday in May or your own bespoke date we wish you all a Happy Mother’s Day!!